tired

Dear Dr Shapiro,

I found this picture on Deviant Art, i loved it, i don’t know why, but i guess it’s because it is how i am feeling lately. Though the flowers are very beautiful, they seem to be standing out and everything else is a blur. That is how i am feeling lately. I don’t mean to, but it just happens. I am feeling really depressed. I know that it is a pattern, i tend to get depressed like this time of year very frequently. last year, or maybe it was two years ago, i was in the hospital for the whole month of February. I am terribly afraid this will happen again. I don’t want it to, but i am afraid it will. I can feel my heart beat wherever i go, it sounds so loud, almost obnoxious. it sounds like thunder in my ears. it is silent inside, and maybe that is why my heart is so loud, because my head is so quiet lately. It is just me and my thoughts, and that has never been a good combination. i am hoping when i go home things will be better and i will get myself together. I get home on Monday, i work at Leslie’s Tuesday night, and i see Lora Wednesday. I really don’t know how to express these emotions to her. I wish i could, but i just don’t know how. All i know is how to pretend like i am okay. And she doesn’t get it, because she doesn’t know me. You would get it, you would see it right away, in my eyes maybe. My eyes never lie. You would see it, but i don’t think Lora can, because when i am with her i am happy, or at least content, because i stare absently into the air, and i answer questions as briefly as possibly using the least number of words as possible.

i have already started making plans for when i go home. I know my work schedule will be busy the first two weeks of December, and then the last two weeks not so busy since it will be Chanukkah, and then Leslie and the girls are going to Israel, so she won’t need me, and i’m not sure about Marla, i think she has the boys for this Holiday, or maybe not since she had then for Thanksgiving. So for the first two weeks i will be trying to work like crazy because i want to get my Mum something really special. And then the next week or so i will be working purely on artwork, because for my 5 aunts, and my aunt in law i will try to make butterflies for, and one for Kathy because i’ve never made her one, and make a portrait of Kammy for April. So i will be focusing a lot of art.

I will tell you about what is new lately, Today we went to a parade, it is called the “Holidazzle” and it was really cool. I haven’t been to a parade probably since i was a senior in high school, but i don’t count it because i was in the parade, and it is the worst parade ever. it is mostly like a ghetto parade with kids banging on buckets and girls wearing inappropriate clothing and booty shaking. Seriously in Salisbury it is called the ghetto parade, white people don’t even bother to attend it. When i was younger we used to sell snowballs and candy during the parade. When i was older i was always “Miss” such in such of Lodge such and such, i was always riding in a convertible wearing a fancy dress and a crown waving the Miss America wave at people who could care less. This parade was different it was all about lights, and  even though i was freezing my ass off, it was beautiful and made me feel young again, and i could remember a time when things like that made me happy, amazed me. We then had dinner at Famous Dave’s which i love. They had a live singer, who had the most beautiful voice, it was kind of cool to eat and have a live singer. And then Momma Cici took me to one of my favorite book stores. It’s not like huge chains of book stores where things are over priced and things like that. it’s this little book store with mis-matched book shelves and piles of books everywhere. It smells kind of like an attic to tell you the truth, but a lot of the books are new, some are used, some of them are signed by local writers or writers from far away. everyone is really friendly, and sometimes they only have one copy of this or that, but they can always order it. They give away free book marks. I love this place because i love books, and it makes me want to sit on a bean bag and read all evening. i like it because it’s not Barns and Nobles, because there isn’t a Starbucks in it, because it’s not a monopoly, and thought it needs money to stay in business, everyone is friendly, and you can tell all the workers really love the books as much as i do. I bought myself one book, because i am on a budget and tomorrow i am buying a big pack of Prismacolors that i’ve been dying to get, and i have a 50 percent off coupon and a 60 dollar gift card from my birthday at Michael s. But i could spend all my money on books, if it were feasible.  Anyhow after the book store we all came home and went to bed because we were all still pretty tired, except me, i read a pretty small dent into my book, talked to my mom for a bit, and decided to try to clean the kitchen. That helped me bring my anxiety down a bit. I also reorganized my clothes so that they were a bit neater in my suitcase and picked out what i wanted to wear for tomorrow. I played “bejeweled” for a bit, it is a game i compete with on Facebook, against my mom, and a few other friends who take the time to play. it is soothing, relaxing and not challenging at all.

Tomorrow we are going to go to Micheal’s to get my markers, and then to the Mall of America, and then tomorrow i am hoping that Momma Cici and i can get some private time together. Cara her daughter has to babysit, and so i am hoping she and i can spend some time together doing something that doesn’t involve shopping or you know, eating. Maybe we could go to the movie together, or something like that. i need some down time to be honest, and i would really like to just be with her for a bit. By the way, Momma Cici has a boyfriend, his name is Steve. I like him, he is funny, though a bit rigid and stiff. He and i have a sort of banter and i like that because he makes me laugh, and i feel like he gets my humor, and that is always a plus. I don’t mind if he tags along, but i would really like to just spend some time alone with her, Steve has a puppy, his name is Mac, i love Mac. he is a golden retriever and he’s kind of dense, and he likes to jump, but he also likes a lot of attention and a lot of love. When he climbs on my lap it’s like he can’t get close enough to me, it’s like he’s trying to get in my clothes or under my skin. And i guess i know how he feels. wanting to be so close to someone you almost wish you were in their skin, though i guess that sounds creepy.

i haven’t been writing much in my other journal so i guess i should try to update it, and then go to bed. I am really worried about my friend Tahji, i haven’t had a chance to have a really decent conversation with her since i have been here, but i want to. I want to talk to her and hear her voice. i am weird like that, but i need the voice. i need to hear it. Maybe i will go see Precious with Momma Cici, i know i really shouldn’t but i want to see it really badly. I hope you are enjoying Poof, i really wish i didn’t have to wait until forever to find out the name that you picked out for him. I really wish that you were back now. I wish that i could get off the plane on Monday, and see you the following day and show you all the things i got, and tell you about all the places i’ve been and what i’ve seen and show you the pictures. i wish you were back now, missing you is becoming very exhausting. are you missing me?

Love,
k

listening to: Evanescence
drinking: sprite
eating: nothing
mood: exhausted, sad

black friday

Dear Dr Shapiro,

I am still in Minnesota, by the way Happy Thanksgiving. I guess yours was probably extra nice because of Poof and all. Did you eat a lot? I did. I spent Thanksgiving in Bamegee i think thats how it is spelled. Anyhow with Momma Cici’s friends. Everyone was kind and nice, and good, and the food was really good too. I wasn’t feeling well after i ate, maybe i ate too much, i don’t know but i had to lay down afterwards. I’ve actually not been feeling to good since i got here. I’m not sure what it is, but i just haven’t been feeling well physically, but i’ve been trying to be a trooper about it. Soon we are going to get up and go shopping, because it is now Black Friday. Its a family tradition, my Mom and i did this once, but it was because there was something she wanted really badly. I don’t mind it so much but its really cold here. So cold i’ve been sleeping in layers, since i get cold so easily anyhow.

I am starting to feel a bit homesick too. I don’t usually stay away from my mom this much, or be this far. Usually it is just Salisbury and i know at any time i can hop in my car and just go home. Here i have to get on a plane to go home, and everything is so different, and it kind of makes me sad, and while i am writing this i am starting to cry because i am realizing how much i do miss my home. I miss the comfort and quietness. Its just my Mom and me, so its always so quiet and i miss being able to snuggle with my mom, i must really really love her because i’ve only missed maybe two people like this in my entire life, and that was Ms Kathy when she left, and now, my mom. And i guess maybe its multiplied because i miss you soo much too. Now i’m crying really hard, because i am thinking about how much i miss you, and my mom and my home. Honestly i am feeling really depressed, but i don’t want anyone here to know. Even though Momma Cici knows a lot about me, and about my depression i know she would understand, i am supposed to be happy and i just feel very depressed. I don’t want to go home, because i’m not a big baby. Besides i will be going home on Monday, which really isn’t that far away. And i can go back to my life and things can eventually get back to normal.

Part of this is because i need familiarity and structure, and being here isn’t like that all. Part of it is because the first two days here i had explosive diarrhea and am probably dehydrated or something. My stomach had been acting terribly weird and then it got really bad, i guess you didn’t want to know that, but well, it’s true. And i guess because there are the animals, and all the people, and all the new places, and more new people, and more new places and i have no idea where i am, or how i got here, and i don’t even know how to get outta here because it gets dark so fast that i can’t keep track of the streets. And you know how i have OCD well I can’t perform any of my OCD tasks which actually do involve a lot of cleaning. And Momma Cici keeps apologizing for how messy the house  is and i keep saying it’s okay, but it’s making me feel very very overwhelmed. i am worried about allergies, and germs, and sickness, and hair in the tub, and the litter box, and the dog who has crud in his eyes, and hair is everywhere, and i have a hair phobia, you know? It’s different from the one where i eat hair, don’t know if i’ve explained it to you, but it’s there.

i have to go, its time to go shopping.

Love,
k

cat love.

dear dr shapiro,

i woke up crying, i don’t know why, and i’m to tired to do internal communication. if i were home i would just go get in bed with my mom, i started to run down the hall, but then i realized i wasn’t home. and that the cat held settled in bed with me. i found comfort in that, as the cat was nearly laying on my face. i didn’t move and i just snuggled a bit closer with her. i think her name is Lola, or Lulu, i can never remember. for some reason she loves me. maybe when i get home i will ask my mom if we can get a cat. money is really tight, and since we live in an apartment it will cost extra money, but i think i will work really hard so that we can have one. because i found L very comforting. even though i am still crying, i feel okay.i hope Poof isn’t keeping you up too much.

Love,
k

Minnesota!

Dear Dr Shapiro,

I am in Minnesota, and i am really happy to be here. I had a bit of anxiety on the air plane, but i just put my head phones on and worked through it. And now i am here, and i am happy because i love Cici and Cara so much, they are my family too. And before i left i wrote my mom a note so that she could read it if she missed me, and i’ve been calling and checking in on her, and so she is fine too. Of course whenever i go anywhere outside of my comfort zone i get a lot of things, like my face breaks out, and i get digestive problems, either i don’t number 2 at all, or i’ve got the runs. This time, it’s the runs..yuck, like you wanted to know that. But i’m hoping tomorrow will be a better day for me physically. Traveling is very tiring, Besides that here i gained an hour, so even though it’s 12:19 at home, it’s only 11:19 here.

Cici gave me lots of gifts, things she had picked up from traveling. She travels all over, and now i have little things from the places she’s been. Like Israel, and Amsterdam, and Greece, i will show you everything when you get back, and i will tell you where each  came from. i am going to take lots of pictures too, so you can see all the place i have been to, too. Tomorrow it is supposed to snow. i want to stay up because i love to watch the first snow. You know? it such a quiet and beautiful time, and it feels so, you feel so blessed to see something like that. It’s like having a private moment with God. Does that make sense? When i was a kid, i would climb out of my bedroom window and sit on the roof of my house and catch the first snow fall. Everything looks so blue, and white, and clean for a bit..and then the world wakes up and dirties it all up.

We are going to have Thanksgiving dinner at some of Cici’s friends house, which is good because they are good cooks. i am making cupcakes, because i’ve heard i’m really good at it. And then we are going to go Black Friday shopping the day after which i am really excited about, i have 300 dollars that my mom said i can spend however i want. And i want to buy Kamora some things, and April something, and i want to have some money left over to take home, because well, i like money, and i have been trying to make sure that i pay Lora in advance, so i don’t get behind on things. So mostly i will spend my money on Kamora, she’s my god-daughter.

Does Poof have a god-mother? Maybe it’s your best friend, the one you said you don’t get to see all the time, but you are still really close, she’s a Scorpio like me. Anyhow thats all i feel like writing right now, there is a cat here, and a dog, and another dog, lots of animals and my eyes have been really itchy. I know i’m not allergic to dogs, but i suppose i am allergic to specific breeds maybe, but i’m not sure about cats. sometimes my eyes get puffy and itch around cats. But i love the cat here, she likes me. So you know, i hope i’m not allergic. OH, i have so much artwork here, when i was younger i gave CiCi like 5 pictures from my highschool portfolio. They are all framed and such, and really nice. And she keeps pointing them out, and i don’t even realize its my art work until i see my signature. DID works really funny. I mean there are paintings and i’m not that good at all at painting…but this one is really good. She said i told her it was called “cutting through the pain.” i keep forgetting to take pictures of things…but thats all for now.

Love,
K

for Poof

Dear Poof,

I know you’ll probably never read this, and if you did you’d think i was crazy, psychotic maybe, and maybe i am, but i wanted to say welcome to this world. I think you have one of the best mum’s ever, and i hope you will think so to. I made you a mixed cd, it’s of kids songs. this kid i watch, his name is Noah, he really loves music, so i downloaded some of his kid songs, and i thought maybe you would like it too. I also drew a picture of a dinosaur for you, i don’t know if you will like dinosaurs, or if you’ll think they are scary or stupid, but if i were a boy i’d like them. So i drew you a picture of one. Your Mum keeps telling me no gifts, because of the whole ethics thing, but i think if you make it into this world, you deserve at least a mixed cd or something. So i hope she accepts it, because it’s not for her, it’s for you, and it’s not like i’m trying to stalk you or anything. i just wanted you to know that you are special and that i am glad you are here. And as for your nick name, Poof, it isn’t because i wanted you to disappear, it’s because of a cartoon that i used to watch. And i don’t know why i’m writing this, because well, you can’t read, and you’ll probably never get to read this anyhow, but i just want you to know how happy i am to have you be here. Because i really care about your mum, and i think she loves you so much. So thats all.
Always,
Krystle Olivia
one of your mum’s clients..

good news

Dear Dr Shapiro,

Today Lora called me and told me that you had Poof on Friday, you were a week over due. I am so very happy to find out that you had him, i was so worried because i hadn’t heard anything, and now there is a big weight lifted off my shoulder. I am so very proud of you, i know you just did a good job, and i bet Poof is beautiful. I just wanted to say Congratulations. I’m leaving for Minnesota tomorrow or well today, in the morning. I am excited, and now i am happy, i can breathe easily and i can have a good time. I hope you are enjoying your little bundle of joy. And well, i am so very happy for you, i know i’ve already said that to you, but i just am so very happy, really, truly genuinely, i know before i was jealous, but once you realize that it is a real person, so tiny and vulnerable you can’t be jealous, you know what i mean?

Love,
K

Facebook fights…

dear dr shapiro,

i still haven’t heard if you’ve had Poof or not, and by now i think you have, or else they’ve sucked him out of you with those tong things, or maybe a c-section. Anyway, i don’t want to write much tonight. just that i’m really tired. i don’t feel sick anymore, really excited though. Being excited is well, exciting. I’m not often excited about many things, but i’m excited about my trip. Excited, exciting, excited, exciting! got that out of my system. I hope you are doing well too. And they you are finding motherhood good, and not you know overwhelming or a terrible hassle, i know people like that, who think motherhood is a pain in the ass. thats okay to, if you think that, because sometimes..it is. There was this huge blowout yesterday between me, Sam, and Melissa. I don’t know Melissa, she’s Sam’s friend, and a frequent flyer at the Pratt also. Anyhow Melissa asks me if i want to hang out with Sam and she, and i said i wasn’t sure because i’d been packing and stuff and kinda wanted to spend some quality time with my mom, so i told her that i wasn’t sure and maybe. And then i said okay i could because my mom didn’t really feel like doing anything so i was like whatever. Well the problem was no one gave Sam an absolute Yes, so of course Sam is really hard to reach because she just doesn’t answer her phone most of the time, and she’s not really a social person, i mean she’s really smart, and sweet, and nice, but maintaining relationships is not her strong attribute. Anyhow Sam basically flaked out. And well i wasn’t mad at all, i was kind of worried because Sam wasn’t answer her phone or anything and she and her boyfriend had just had a really really bad break up, but Melissa, Melissa was pissed. Now like i said i don’t know Melissa and everything i ever hear about Melissa is bad, mostly that she is a sociopath and completely unaware of the triggering, dangerous things she does or says, even when it hurts other people. Well Melissa explodes on Sam over Facebook, i bet you are really happy you don’t have a Facebook, or do you? Anyway Melissa’s part Jessica rips Sam a new one, because apparently Sam and her used to be really close, and then Sam made fun of some other 2H peeps, and Sam doesn’t like to be friends with people who don’t match her intellectual level, blah blah blah…The problem is that i was sort of caught in the middle of it, because i told Sam it was okay, and Melissa said no it wasn’t okay, because Sam has been doing this to her for 3 years. And so i says to Melissa, if she has been standing you up like this for 3 years, what made you think tonight would be any different? Well Melissa didn’t like that, and told me that Sam wasn’t a good friend, and that if i wanted to be Sams friend i could, but that she would only do the same things to me. And i told Melissa whether i remain Sam’s friend or not is my business, but that i didn’t think she was very bright because who stays friends with someone who never bothers to call you first, or stick to plans you make, or things like that. And if Melissa thought anything of herself she would find herself a friend that doesn’t do those kinds of things instead of wasting her time scrutinizing and bad mouthing someone on Face book who could give two shiny fucks either way. There was a lot of other bad mouthing and name calling done be Melissa or her part Jessica, i don’t keep track any more and really think that parts just should not have Face Book accounts or any social network profile separate from the “host” because that can’t be contained well, and i think that everyone should be held accountable for their actions, even if they are just a part, because well you always hold me accountable for my behavior even if it isn’t me but someone inside, it doesn’t matter, because everyone should be working together not separate or against each other. But anyhow. the bottom lines was that i told them that this is why trauma survivors just should be friends or socialize after hospitalizations because everyone acts just too fucking crazy. i was getting agitated by this point, because i’m not much of an arguer, i don’t know if you know that about me. And i think if Melissa was actually in the same room with me i’d of probably bitch slapper her a few times for acting so ridiculous. But anyhow like i said, this is why i think it’s not the best idea to be friends with other trauma survivors because the world revolves around us. And everyone takes everything so fucking personal, and honestly are we so dysfunctional that we can’t make friends with other people, people we haven’t been stuck with for weeks at a time? i know i sound smug because i don’t have many friends, but you know what, i’m okay with that. i mean i have trauma survivor friends, but we respect each others boundaries and we don’t share triggering stuff, and when i’ve had enough of something, i just back away or tell them i need my space. Sometimes i call them on their bull shit, but like i said i’m not much of an arguer. I wanted to tell this to you because it really bothered me, because i like Sam, and maybe she is all the things that Melissa says she is, and maybe she isn’t but i guess i won’t know until i find out personally. And i think you can not like a person, and be noble about it, you know? I think social networks are not the place to have mock Jerry Springer fights. Words hurt, and most of us are already so delicate. And plus because last year or so Melissa had a part named Gail, who would post the most triggering evil stuff about people on their page or on everyone elses page, with graphic pictures that she photo shopped and such. i was never one of her victims, but if i ever did become one i’m going to find her personal and break her face. I’m tired of talking about this now. i also want to say that sometimes Sam does ignore people. But its not just specific people, its everyone. but oddly enough Sam and i do talk, not often, and not on the phone..sometimes over IM’s and once or twice we had lunch. But mostly Sam stays to herself. But i just wanted to point out that there could be some truths to what Melissa was saying also. Just that maybe i would of listened a bit more to Melissa if she hadn’t called Sam worthless and a slut, and told her that she was sucking her parents dry like a leech, and other things…i’m just saying name calling is not cool.

Love,
k

ps. i got these really cool shiny gray boots, and a pair of green ones just like them. they may be my favorite shoes ever.

so very tired

dear dr shapiro,

i wish i had more to say. but i’m very tired, and feeling very anxious and overwhelmed.
i wish you were here so i could really talk to you. I’ve never missed therapy so much, i wish i had talked more.
i miss the sound of your voice, and your office, and all the other things that remind me of you.
i am taking your wooden name thing with me for my trip to minnesota.
i don’t want to write much more.

love,
krystle

PS. today i spent more time with Pat then i care to ever do, ever again. I hate that she lives so close now. i wish you were here, because you are always my voice of reason. There is a movie out called Precious, i want to see it, but i know i really shouldn’t. i was thinking of reading the book instead. before i do either i’ll write in here my decision. And maybe talk about it with Lora, but no promises on that. i really hate going to see her, it seems so terribly awkward, and ridiculous. i watch the clock the whole time, but thats enough complaining for one blog. good night, or morning. i hope you’ve had Poof and you love him as much if not more than i love you. i hope that he is everything you hoped for and more.

deeper down the rabbit hole

Dear Dr Shapiro,

I’m not feeling very well right now, my stomach has been hurting horribly and my head aches some too. I think it’s just stress or something. Though I’m not really stressing about anything specific, or particular. Tomorrow or well today i am going out to buy panties, socks, deodorant, and pajamas. I don’t know why but whenever i go somewhere and i stay the night i like to have brand new panties. It’s not like anyone will see them, but i like for them to be new. I also like to have new socks. its weird, but i buy new socks and panties at least 8 times a year. i like for my socks to fit a specific way so as soon as they lose the right amount of elasticity i don’t really want to wear them anymore. i will but i don’t like to, so they become my last option pair of socks. I also usually only buy my socks that come to the ankle or lower, but this time i am going to buy socks that come to the calf considering how cold it will be in Minnesota. Not that you care about this stuff, you could be doing something else besides reading these lame ass blogs. like you don’t have enough to do already.

But writing here is the only way i can really feel close to you, and well to be frank it’s not enough. it’s stupid. my mom has been fussing with me a lot because i’ve been in pain, and i refuse to take extra muscle relaxers or like Tylenol or Advil. sometimes i just hurt. i am worried about getting addicted, i don’t know why because i don’t have much of an addictive personality, considering.  But i know that people get addicted on pain killers and muscle relaxers, and sleep aids, and i want to make sure that doesn’t happen to me.  i just, i am i am okay. it hurts, but im no stranger to pain, it’s almost comforting in a psychotic way. i’m not saying i’m doing it as a substitute to self-injury because i know that’s what you’re thinking, but it doesn’t work that way, it’s terribly disappointing. If only it would work like that. You know, if i have a tooth ache i don’t need to cut myself because i’m already hurting. It just, doesn’t. If it did i wouldn’t want to hurt myself right now, my hips are killing me, but i still want to take a hack at my arms. i still want to hurt. But the last thing i want to do is get on a plane and arrive in Minnesota covered in scars. The last thing i want to do is add more scars to my arms. This summer was, it was humiliating, i thought i was doing good, i felt like i was doing good, and then that thing with Maria, it almost, well it almost set me back. I know that it doesn’t matter what she thinks or what she says, but well, it did. And it always runs through my mind, when i’m getting dressed, or in the shower, when i’m wearing a tee-shirt, when i roll up my sleeves. I am so ashamed.  I am afraid that when people see my arms they will say it’s disgusting, they will think i am disgusting and ugly. And it’s weird because my mom tells me i’m beautiful everyday, and most people think i’m pretty too. It’s never been a problem. My looks have never been an issue. But when i look at my arms, at my body, i can’t, i can’t be pretty. i can’t feel pretty, or think i’m worth loving.

i don’t think i’ll ever wear short sleeves again. i can’t risk people looking and seeing how ugly i am. it’s weird though because i let Eve see my arms, she and Rose. They see my arms, i mean they don’t know what happened, not for real, but they see them. And they touch them, and they kiss them, and they don’t think it’s disgusting, or that i’m disgusting but it’s because they don’t know any better. sometimes i wish i could go to that age where i just didn’t know any better. When everything was new and a great learning experience. You know? Maybe that is the only thing i miss about my childhood, is the fact that everything was so new. Life seems so overly complicated, and stressed, and just, exhausting so much of the time. I’m getting tired now.

Love,
K
ps. today i missed you more than anything today. my phone went off at 2 to remind me that i was supposed to see you today, and i almost got up and got dressed and drove there, by the time i got my clothes on i was looking for shoes, i realized that you weren’t here. that i wasn’t going to see you today, or any other day until you come back. That made me sad, but no one seemed to understand, and the littles inside have been crawling deeper down the rabbit hole.

straight hair?

Dear Dr Shapiro,

I had a dream about you. You were still pregnant and you had straight hair. i don’t know why your hair was straight, i’ve never seen it straight, but you looked really good with it straight. Maybe when you come back from maternity leave you will have straight hair, though i doubt it, because with a new born you probably won’t have time to straighten your hair or anything like that. But that’s basically it. I just dreamed that you had on a black shirt and your stomach was huge and your belly button was sticking out, and your hair was straight and you had shiny gloss like you had a date or something after our session. But we didn’t have a session or anything.

i am leaving for my trip to Minnesota soon, in like 4 days. I am excited about it. I don’t get to excited about things because if they don’t come to be, it’s a huge disappointment. But i’m getting really excited about my trip, though my mom seems pretty sad about it. I mean she’s happy i am going, but at the same time she won’t have anyone to pick on while i am away.  I was laying on the sofa today and i was thinking about how blessed i am, even though i miss you i was thinking about how blessed i am to have you be apart of my life. I mean if you weren’t apart of my life then i wouldn’t have a chance to know you and i wouldn’t have a chance to miss you. And i told my mom i missed you, and she said it was because i had an attachment to you, and that i was probably hard because i don’t make attachments easily. And i said she was right, but i still missed you. And my mom was kinda like, get over it. LOL, she’s so supportive.

Anyhow i will write more when i get home, because i’m at work and i didn’t bring my laptop charger. Did you know i’m not afraid to fly, so many people i know keep asking me if i’m afraid to fly alone. And i’m not afraid. i like flying for the most part. i don’t like the awkwardness of the strangers beside me but i don’t mind it for the most part. My mom is taking me to the airport and Momma Cici is picking me up right at the air port, she’s gonna meet me at the bag claims part.

So anyhow, thats all for now.
love,
K