At a stand still

Dear Dr Shapiro,
  I’ve been thinking since our session, honestly before our session. Things have been pretty heavy on my mind lately and I just don’t know how to express it. It might seem like I’m not trying to or I don’t want to. Well in a way I don’t. I’m stuck. Going to therapy has been the hardest thing for me to do lately and I have no idea why. I’m so detached and I don’t know how to come back. I’ve loss faith. I’m not sure I trust anyone. Sometimes I do and then I don’t. I don’t know what I want. I’m unhappy, I’m angry, I’m frustrated with myself.  I feel like no one understands me. Its only everything. I feel like I’m consistently being disappointed or let down and it’s easier to go back to not feeling at all. It hurts. I hurt and no one is there for me.  So I think maybe I’m too needy. Maybe I expect too much. And I remind myself that people can’t be trusted. They always let me down. You know I don’t get therapy, it just makes me feel worst most of the time.  It frustrates me. Its false advertisement or something.  I can’t explain it but therapy has never made much sense to me, except with Kathy. Even then we had weeks, months like this too. Where I was resistant to put it nicely.  After awhile I’d seem to ease back into it. I’m sure kathy took vacations, I know she even had sick days. I never asked her for help outside of therapy because like now I didn’t feel like I could be helped.  Pegasus said it seemed like I wasn’t getting better, well if you two can’t make me better why try? Why even try. I’m in therapy all the time, and now the groups, and art therapy and I’m a fraud with work. I pretend way to much. I’m good at it but I’m not me.  I try not to be weird. I worry I’m going to kill myself, its quite possible, the thought of it doesn’t even scare me like it used to. It excites me to know I don’t or wont have to keep living this life where I feel like a burden and a freak and a liar to everyone. Where I’m not completely covered in anxiety all the time. I worry more than there are seconds in the day and I don’t say a word because no one can do anything for me. I feel like I’m screaming and no one can hear me. And I realize I’m grinding my teeth and literally not making a sound.

tonight

push my back so i make sure
you’re right behind me as before
yesterday the night before tomorrow

dry my eyes so you won’t know
dry my eyes so i won’t show
i know you’re right behind me

and don’t you let me go, let me go tonight
don’t you let me go, let me go tonight
don’t you let me go, let me go tonight
don’t you let me go, let me go tonight
don’t you let me go, let me go tonight
don’t you let me go, let me go tonight

you walk the surface of this town
the high heels above the ground
and high horses that we know
keep us safe until the night

you know them all, i know it all
stay put and play along
’cause i’m looking for my friend
now i got you, got you

don’t you let me go, let me go tonight
don’t you let me go, let me go tonight
don’t you let me go, let me go tonight
don’t you let me go, let me go tonight
don’t you let me go, let me go tonight
don’t you let me go, let me go tonight

i dry my eye, dry my eye
dry my eye, dry my eye
dry my eye . . .
dry my eye, dry my eye
dry my eye, dry my eye
dry my eye . . .

yeah,
don’t you let me go, let me go tonight
don’t you let me go, let me go tonight
don’t you let me go, let me go tonight
don’t you let me go, let me go tonight
don’t you let me go, let me go tonight
don’t you let me go, let me go tonight
don’t you let me go, let me go tonight
don’t you let me go, let me go tonight
don’t you let me go, let me go tonight
don’t you let me go, let me go tonight
don’t you let me go, let me go tonight
don’t you let me go, let me go tonight

let me go, let me go
let me go, let me go
let me go, let me go
let me go, let me go
let me go, let me go

therapy after therapy

Dear Dr Shapiro,

After i drove home from therapy today i had so many thoughts. i was thinking about you loosing your hair. i thought and i thought about it, because to us its a curious thing. We don’t mean to be offensive, or hurtful, we just want to know. And you told us you didn’t like it. and well, i think we understand. to the average woman hair means beauty, and we thought maybe you felt un-beautiful because you lost your hair. To us you are still beautiful, to us it doesn’t matter, we love you as you are. But now i think we understand more.

but we wanted you to know that you are so much more than your hair. to us, you are so much more. not just your curls, you are smart, and amazing, and funny. you are loving and caring, and so very strong.  You are one of the best therapist i have ever had, and one of the most inspiring women i’ve ever met. And if i ever made you feel any different. if i ever made you question your beauty, i am sorry. Please know that.

I wanted to post a music video, but i couldn’t get it to post here. It’s called “I am not my hair” and it’s by India Arie.

love,
k

ps. what would any of us do without you? how would we function?

all who would be called good

when a good (wo)man is hurt, all who would be called good must suffer with him (her).
-Euripides

Dear Dr. Shapiro,

I know you said not to write much more in here, but i can’t help it right now. either i can control my emotions or i can let them control me, and right now, writing this, i am in control. Besides that  i won’t be seeing you again until next Friday so before i forget what it is i need to say, or before i go stir crazy trying to keep it in until Friday here is what i feel.

Today when I saw you wearing a wig it made me so sad, i tried not to stare but i was unsuccessful. i know how much you love your hair, i know what hair means to a woman.  I was sad because you looked different i was sad because i know how hard it must of been for you. How much it must of hurt you to watch it all go. And well, that hurt me too. i am not so brave like you, i’m not even brave enough to put up a good face like you probably do.

all i know is that you are brave, and smart, and beautiful. And that you are strong. And even if i am just your patient, even if i am sarcastic, and i never listen, and you don’t think about me outside the office. i think about you. and i pray for you. and i know you will get better, you will pull through this.

Love,
k, bella, desi, boo, etc….

i heard this song today, while i was driving home, and it made me think of you. It’s a love song i know, but i don’t mean it in that sense, just in the sense that i am always rooting for you, and that i love you. i know we have such different tastes in music but i always like this song.

my favorite line is: “if you want to cry, i am here to dry your eyes. and in no time you’ll be fine.”

look after you

Dear Dr Shapiro,

I know you will probably say no, or something. But its driving me crazy not being able to do something to help you. I was wondering if we could come up with some ideas so that i could help you. I know i cant really help you, but maybe i could do something for you, like make you mixed cd’s of your favorite singers, or buy you coloring books to keep you occupied during treatment. Maybe i could vacuüm your office, or something. ANYTHING. not being able to help you is making me feel powerless, and feeling powerless and triggering me. i just sit and wait, and wait, and wait. to hear your voice, or to know you are alright. i don’t want to bug you, because you have a life that doesn’t include me, but i just, i want to look after you in some way. i can’t help it, i’m a protector. So is Gabe. We want to do something, anything to help. Even if it is the smallest thing, it would make us feel a lot better, and you could get something done. Okay?

Love,
us

just keep breathing

Dear Dr Shapiro,

I never told you that i was going to be in Salisbury this weekend, or maybe i did, i can’t remember. Today we celebrated Kamora’s second birthday. She had a party with a boy at her daycare who shares the same birthday and we went to Chuck E Cheese. I personally don’t care for that place, i mean i like skee ball, but the kids running around screaming, and getting lost because of the inattentiveness of the parents, its all to much for me. i get overwhelmed when i am surrounded by so many small screaming kids, the smell of places like that make me want to vomit. but i go because its a party and its for April, and i wanted to support her. I can never go to Salisbury without seeing someone i am always trying to sneak around and avoid places and certain people as to not get triggered or upset. Unfortunately Salisbury is so small its damn near impossible to do that. I ran into this guy, he looked familiar to me, i looked familiar to him. We kept bumping into each other and he kept saying how familiar i looked. After about the second time we bumped into each other i had already figured out who he was, and was hoping he never figured out who i was. of course my life isn’t that easy. Finally he asked me who i was and i said Krystle Washington, i didn’t want him to remember me. i knew who he was, and i knew he wasn’t a good person. Or at least the him i remember wasn’t good. Anyone who was friends with my brother at some point was not to be trusted. But that wasn’t enough for him, he kept prying, “you look so familiar, i can’t figure out where i know you from…” sigh…… so finally i said it..”i’m derricks little sister.” as if he had solved some calculus math problem or been award a Grammy or something a big smile came to his face, “Oh yeah, oh, oh, i remember you.” we avoided eye contact for a while and i walked away. fuck this elephant memory i’ve suddenly inherited. i would go into detail about him, and me, and everything, but if you know my brother Derrick, and the kind of person he was, then you know somewhat about this guy i saw today. i cannot tell you what kind of person he is today, because frankly i haven’t seen him since i was about 10, and seeing him today, did nothing for my reputation of him today. He walked around holding a little boys hand, i assume his son. I tried not to freak myself out, because lately small things worry me.  So that is on my mind now, my brain and insiders want to process it, to think and rethink, and think some more about what seeing him was like for us today, and really i just want to sleep. i want to sleep for a very long time. i feel very tired a lot of the time. and i am restless at night unless i take extra klonapins.

i’m confused. i keep wanting to call you, or text you, but i keep restraining myself, because i know that annoying you is not going to fix anything and the last thing you need is for me to become any more stalkerish and paranoid then i already am.  i think i worry that something will happen to you every second. Like i worry about you before, remember how i used to worry about you, about you being in a car accident or someone hurting you. That kind of worry is back, only now its more real, because now i understand that even though external things can hurt you, i never think that people get like sick. It’s ironic because a few days before you called me and asked me when i wanted to see you i had called Kathy because i was worried she was sick. i started getting that feeling like awhile before that, and i thought it was because i was missing you, and i was doing that transference thing or something with Kathy. Kathy is like another Lylac for me, she’s like a security blanket in a sense, because she’s always sort of nurtured me. I texted her and asked her if i could schedule an appointment to talk to her, she’s really busy sometimes and i worry i’m pestering her or something if i just call out of the blue. i am always worried i’m annoying or pestering people, so i usually text them to see if they have time to talk to me, because if they do then great, but if they don’t it’s easier for them to just ignore the text, you know? anyhow i talk to Kathy and i keep asking her how she feels, i keep asking her if she is sick, and i insist she sounds sick. She’s not sick, well she has a cold, and she always coughs cus she smokes, so yeah, but i’m freaking out because i think she is sick. i don’t know why i really think she’s sick, it just happened, and she reassured me that she wasn’t sick, and the reason i hadn’t heard from her was because she’s been waist deep in work, and bills and such, and really stressed. Do you think it’s possible that, that i was projecting my worries about you on Kathy or something psychological like that. I mean but this was before i had even talked to you and you know you had told me about it.

Sometimes i worry, okay i spend a lot of time worrying. i’m a perpetual worrier. when i was younger i worried so much that is why i had all of those OCD behaviors, because i would worry so much about different things that i had to do something to feel better. i act like shit doesn’t phase me but i am really very fragile and breakable. one of the things i miss about being unmedicated was that i worried a bit less. my mind was so unstable, unsteady that i would worry about something for a few minutes and then jump to something else, and something else, and then i would come up with all these stunts in my head, things i was physically incapable of doing but i had wanted to be a gymnast when i was little, i wanted to do acrobatic tricks. And i would think about those, and do art, run, worry..it was like my mind was so wobbly that i couldn’t focus on one thought at a time. That is what i miss about not being on medicine, so what if i was crazy as hell, and i tried car surfing, and i would run at random hours alone, and i broke bones thinking i could land on my feet like a cat jumping out of windows and shit, on medicine i am scared of doing so much stuff because i have to think about it and rethink it, and think it some more, and i worry i’ll fail, or i’ll screw it up, or something else will happen, its crazy. i’m fucked up. i get frustarted worry, i feel like i’m being paranoid, i just, i don’t know.

i am scared i am being selfish, because you are like a Lylac to me to, a comfort, a security, stability. And i am worried i will loose all of that because you are sick. who will we tell all our secrets to. Who will tell us to behave, and threaten us when it’s appropriate? who will we try to lie to, and fail if not you? i don’t want you to go away. i don’t want to start over with anyone else. Mostly i don’t want you to be sick. and i don’t want to say it out loud. i don’t want to whisper it, i am trying not to think about it, but i don’t want you to die. okay? keep breathing.

love,
k and company

oh, my weeping willow…..

Dear Dr Shapiro,

I know the blog before this one is supposed to be the last one, but after today’s session i needed some sort of proper outlet for these wet salty things that keep leaking from my eyes. i keep telling myself i am strong and brave and that everything will be okay. i don’t know why i feel like i have to be strong for you, but i must. Maybe because i can’t be strong for myself, and being strong for you seems more okay. I’ve only been allowing myself to cry very little as to not cry myself a sea and nearly drown as Alice did in Wonderland.  But my heart hurts so much, i don’t think it will ever stop hurting, i don’t think i will ever stop hurting. when i am busy its okay, but when i am sitting and i think about it, i panic and i worry. i worry and i worry and i worry. And then i worry some more. I don’t completely understand Lymphoma i tried to read about it, but i don’t understand it. There isn’t anything i can ask you to help me explain it, a friend of mine put it in an awkward but more understandable way, “as far as cancers goes, lymphoma is the best” meaning some chemotherapy will clear it up. But i don’t want you to have any cancer, even if it’s the kind that can be killed with radiation. This isn’t about me, for once i’m not all i think about. this is about you. and i love you, i adore you, your like a big sister or a second mom type of person to me, someone i can be just krystle plus 38 other random people, you were the first person to get that, and i can’t see why God would let you get sick. i know i’m such the anti-christ, looking for any excuse to ban Christianity from my life. But this is serious. i mean really serious, and i can’t keep cracking jokes because thats my pathetic way of coping with this. i can’t cope with this. i am afraid i’ll loose you. i don’t want to loose you. i don’t want to be selfish, i just want you to be okay.

i haven’t prayed in a while, but tonight, and every night after this, i will pray my hardest for you to get better. okay?

Love,
K

Thank you, you’ve been all to kind blog..

Dear Dr Shapiro,

You called me earlier today, and i will see you Thursday. That means i will not be writing in this blog anymore. I will have you to talk to. So this will be my last blog entry, i am sorry if it has been pesky and annoying for you, but i really am glad you are finally back, and i have so much to tell you.

I found this video, that kind of made me think of you, though it sounds kinda gay, so here it is…no homo though.

Love,
k and company

PS..thanks to all my readers who read this..mostly Tahji….<3

and i can’t tell you why…

Dear Dr Shapiro,

It’s January 3rd, why haven’t you called me yet? Lol, i told that joke to Tahji and Kathy, and they thought it was pretty funny, because i’m so rigid, you know. Because i just have to worry about something. I had been really worried about Kathy, so i texted her and asked if we could talk, and we did. Talking to her usually makes everything okay. At least for a while, and then it all goes down hill when i realize she’s not near me. I worry and i worry, and i obsess and i worry.

I also want a boyfriend. i don’t know how to get a decent one, a good one, but i want one really bad right now. i don’t know why i want one, i just do. maybe if i had a boyfriend i wouldn’t be so pathetic all the time. i wouldn’t worry so much about you, and my mom, and Kathy, and tahji, and kammy, and april, and anyone who means anything to me, i wouldn’t be so fucking pathetic.

and i want to cut. really badly. every stitch of me is dying to do it. i can see how it would play out in my head. i want to do it, i can’t. i want to do it, i can’t. i am so disappointed in myself. i haven’t done anything to be disappointed except being me. being a perpetual fuck up. i am loathing myself. i have dreams about biting huge chunks of flesh out of my arms, scratching out my face don’t ever know what i am doing, or why i keep thinking about doing it. it takes a lot of energy to walk away.

and here’s the thing, when i agreed not to cut i didn’t think it would feel so, so crappy. when i went a year i expected balloons to fall from the ceiling and half-naked bitches to jump out and start cheering for me or something, but there was nothing. i felt absolutely nothing. no sense of completion, no sense of accomplishment. Nothing. i felt like i wasted a year of my life trying to, trying to please other people, i thought i wanted to stop cutting, i knew i needed to stop cutting, but i didn’t think not cutting would make me feel so empty, so hallow, so lost. i don’t know how else to express any of my feelings, any emotions, i am angry. i am frustrated. i don’t want cupcakes, i don’t want people to tell me how amazing it is..i just want to feel better. i want the pain to stop, and i thought not cutting would be one step closer, but it doesn’t make me feel anything and that pisses me off.

please come back, please. i don’t intend on seeing Lora anymore. i can’t afford it, and i don’t want to. After February i won’t be driving anymore, so i may not see you anymore either or at least not as much.  My mom says she’ll drive me, but i don’t want to be a burden to her too.

Love,
k

school eventually?

Dear Dr Shapiro,

I think i’m getting rusty, i know that i need to go back to school soon, if only im taking a few classes at the community college. i remember you mentioned if i take a class at a community college the state would help me with tuition. I was thinking about taking a painting class, and maybe a ceramics class, those would be stress relieving and possibly fun, and maybe a writing class or something. I don’t know they are just suggestions, but maybe i could do it in the summer, or if i hurry maybe start at the end of january. I still owe money for my tuition at UMBC, and i am working on that, slowly but surely, i am working as hard as i can. But as soon as i put my car away, maybe it will help me save more money. I will stop spending money, even though im already pretty frugal about how i spend my money. i really need to get back to school. And even if i’m only taking a few art classes here or there, only if i’m taking random classes, at least i’m doing something. And it’s kind of exciting me, i was looking at some classes, all the classes are pretty late like from 7 to 9 and though those classes aren’t ideal for me, i don’t mind. i was also looking at some other random classes.

you see i need a plan, and i need to get in gear, and i don’t know why i never finish anything that i start, i just for some reason i fail. or maybe it’s because i am afraid of failure. whenever i think that i’m going to fail, i worry. failing statistics 3 times really but a dent in my self-esteem which was already lacking, it left a lot to be discovered. so here i am, i want you to tell me what i should do. i need your help because i don’t know what steps to take.

i am not good at making choices for myself, most of my life i’ve been told what to do, and now, people expect so much from me, and i don’t know what to do, how to do what is best for me. You see i never wanted to go to college though i;m sure i’ve told you this before. that i initially had planned on joining the marines. thats what i wanted, but Kathy, being the mother like therapist that i wanted, told me no way in hell, that i was a smart girl, and i was going to college. she helped me fill out applications, and mailed them in, and made sure i kept up with the dead lines. i don’t really have that now, and i’m an adult and everyone expects me to know what to do, and i don’t. i don’t know how to do stuff with my life. you know? it’s so much different when you have to be an adult and you just want to hold on to your childhood a little while longer. i want to hold on to it a little while longer, and i can’t.

i want more than ever to be the adult that i imagined in my head. the strong woman, that works everyday. the person who wears a dress suit with heels, that people listen to. someone like my mom, like you, like Kathy, a mixture of the women i love the most. you know. someone who people respect and can depend on, not this pathetic excuse for an adult that only comes out when she needs to be. did i mention how much i hate being DID, not this argument again…lol..yes it is. I WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL.

i don’t want to be a college drop out, a failure, this disease or whatever the fuck it is will not rule my life, will not control my destiny. i want to get better, i just don’t know how. i just want to want to be successful. i want to grow up, get healthy, have babies, maybe get married, move out-of-state, work everyday, the things that normal adults do. i want all that stuff.. please help me get there. because i just need to. i have to do better than anyone else in my family, or at least try.

Love,
K

ps…CUPCAKES!!! i wish you would of at least text me to say congratulations…i waited all day carrying my phone, even though i knew you wouldn’t. but i imagined you thought about me anyhow…and that made me smile…