Dear Dr Shapiro,
I know the blog before this one is supposed to be the last one, but after today’s session i needed some sort of proper outlet for these wet salty things that keep leaking from my eyes. i keep telling myself i am strong and brave and that everything will be okay. i don’t know why i feel like i have to be strong for you, but i must. Maybe because i can’t be strong for myself, and being strong for you seems more okay. I’ve only been allowing myself to cry very little as to not cry myself a sea and nearly drown as Alice did in Wonderland. But my heart hurts so much, i don’t think it will ever stop hurting, i don’t think i will ever stop hurting. when i am busy its okay, but when i am sitting and i think about it, i panic and i worry. i worry and i worry and i worry. And then i worry some more. I don’t completely understand Lymphoma i tried to read about it, but i don’t understand it. There isn’t anything i can ask you to help me explain it, a friend of mine put it in an awkward but more understandable way, “as far as cancers goes, lymphoma is the best” meaning some chemotherapy will clear it up. But i don’t want you to have any cancer, even if it’s the kind that can be killed with radiation. This isn’t about me, for once i’m not all i think about. this is about you. and i love you, i adore you, your like a big sister or a second mom type of person to me, someone i can be just krystle plus 38 other random people, you were the first person to get that, and i can’t see why God would let you get sick. i know i’m such the anti-christ, looking for any excuse to ban Christianity from my life. But this is serious. i mean really serious, and i can’t keep cracking jokes because thats my pathetic way of coping with this. i can’t cope with this. i am afraid i’ll loose you. i don’t want to loose you. i don’t want to be selfish, i just want you to be okay.
i haven’t prayed in a while, but tonight, and every night after this, i will pray my hardest for you to get better. okay?
Love,
K
