At a stand still

Dear Dr Shapiro,
  I’ve been thinking since our session, honestly before our session. Things have been pretty heavy on my mind lately and I just don’t know how to express it. It might seem like I’m not trying to or I don’t want to. Well in a way I don’t. I’m stuck. Going to therapy has been the hardest thing for me to do lately and I have no idea why. I’m so detached and I don’t know how to come back. I’ve loss faith. I’m not sure I trust anyone. Sometimes I do and then I don’t. I don’t know what I want. I’m unhappy, I’m angry, I’m frustrated with myself.  I feel like no one understands me. Its only everything. I feel like I’m consistently being disappointed or let down and it’s easier to go back to not feeling at all. It hurts. I hurt and no one is there for me.  So I think maybe I’m too needy. Maybe I expect too much. And I remind myself that people can’t be trusted. They always let me down. You know I don’t get therapy, it just makes me feel worst most of the time.  It frustrates me. Its false advertisement or something.  I can’t explain it but therapy has never made much sense to me, except with Kathy. Even then we had weeks, months like this too. Where I was resistant to put it nicely.  After awhile I’d seem to ease back into it. I’m sure kathy took vacations, I know she even had sick days. I never asked her for help outside of therapy because like now I didn’t feel like I could be helped.  Pegasus said it seemed like I wasn’t getting better, well if you two can’t make me better why try? Why even try. I’m in therapy all the time, and now the groups, and art therapy and I’m a fraud with work. I pretend way to much. I’m good at it but I’m not me.  I try not to be weird. I worry I’m going to kill myself, its quite possible, the thought of it doesn’t even scare me like it used to. It excites me to know I don’t or wont have to keep living this life where I feel like a burden and a freak and a liar to everyone. Where I’m not completely covered in anxiety all the time. I worry more than there are seconds in the day and I don’t say a word because no one can do anything for me. I feel like I’m screaming and no one can hear me. And I realize I’m grinding my teeth and literally not making a sound.

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